Taking on Toxic Positivity
It would be easy to confuse positive psychology with toxic positivity. But if you’re looking for someone to tell you to “Just be grateful!” or admonish you simply to “look on the bright side!” you’ve come to the wrong place.
The truth is, life is not all love, light, and good vibes.
Many of us have experienced trauma. Some of us have good, self-protective reasons for behaving in ways that, on the surface, seem at odds with our best interests. For many, powerful systems of oppression mean that “personal success” isn’t entirely in our own hands.
What can positive psychology possibly have to offer in a world (or situation) where some things are inherently negative? In contrast to toxic positivity, the answer is nuance.
A significant body of research has demonstrated that positive and negative emotions are not mutually exclusive; they coexist. Even on our worst days, there are moments of kindness and beauty, if we allow ourselves to see them. Even on our worst weeks, we can cultivate positive emotions like gratitude, laughter, and love. And it is okay to do so – to give ourselves permission to do something that makes us feel good for a moment, even when things are otherwise very bad.
The opposite is also true. Those who acknowledge and work to accept difficult emotions such as grief and anger are generally healthier than those who consistently suppress them. Mindfulness techniques can help us develop the ability to lean into strong feelings rather than push them away. That’s why the emotion domain of Wholebeing Institute’s SPIRE model encompasses both feeling all emotions and reaching toward positivity.
Goal pursuit is another area where the nuance of positive psychology research can be immensely helpful. Yes, it is true that optimism has its place. Positive expectations based on past experience are correlated with success, largely by increasing our motivation and effort. But ungrounded fantasies appear to have the opposite effect.
According to the research of Gabriele Oettingen, author of Rethinking Positive Thinking, “positive fantasies make us especially unfit to handle hard tasks that require concerted effort.” She counters this with a strategy she calls mental contrasting, which combines focusing on our dreams with visualizing the obstacles that might stand in our way. Looking at our situation realistically better enables us to address fears, make concrete plans, and take effective action.
The next time you’re up against a tough challenge, or a tough day, instead of pushing difficult feelings aside or blaming yourself for a lack of “good vibes,” test out one of the following:
Spend a few minutes with a mindfulness technique that encourages acceptance of emotions, such as meditation or tapping.
Recall past times when you have overcome a challenge or exhibited resilience in the face of difficulty.
Explore how you might call upon your signature strengths, values, and support system to bolster your resilience.
Combine a positive vision of the future with realistic planning for potential obstacles. (For example, check out Oettingen’s WOOP technique.)
And if you need additional support, don’t hesitate to reach out – to me or to anyone you know who has the ability to hold space for difficulty without losing sight of possibility.
